Ouch — most viewed jokes

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

- I'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday.

- Why don't you?

- Because I can't think of a single thing to say!

• An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
• An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
• Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
• Answers the door when the phone rings.
• Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
• As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
• As bent as a corkscrew.
• As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
• As happy as if he had brains.
• As happy as the village idiot.
• As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
• As much use as a lead parachute.
• As quick as a corpse.
• As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
• As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart.
• As sharp as a sack full of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
• As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
• As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
• As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
• As thick as champ. (Irish champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
• As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
• As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
• Attic's a little dusty.
• Back burners not fully operating.
• Bad spot on the disk.
• Baler done run out of twine.
• Bandwidth limited.
• Barney's his hero.
• Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
• Bats in the belfry.

A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband. "But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge.
"Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife."

How did a blind woman pierce her ear?
→ Answering the stapler.

Two blind man at a cinema:

- Can you see something?

- No.

- Then let's go in front!

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.

Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him - HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband?
→ "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish."

What does NASA stand for?
→ Need Another Seven Astronauts
→ Need Another Shuttle Also

Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?
→ They didn't know it was going to blow up.

Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
→ Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP.

On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer?
→ So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they'll have a rated officer onboard.

How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen?
→ Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?" The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!"

• At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
• You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
• You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.
• They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world. Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.
• You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?
• Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
• Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
• You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.
• You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
• Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
• Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.