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Stupid Insults Part 23

  • One node short of a network.
  • One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
  • One pane short of a window.
  • One pearl short of a necklace.
  • One prayer short of absolution.
  • One press short of a CAPS LOCK key. (Types all uppercase.)
  • One punch/swing/hit short of a fight.
  • One sentence short of a paragraph.
  • One shade short of a rainbow.
  • One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.
  • One ship short of a full fleet.
  • One side short of a pentagon.
  • One signature short of a book.
  • One sleeve/button short of a shirt.
  • One snowflake short of a ski slope.
  • One song short of a musical.
  • One span short of a bridge.
  • One step short of the attic.
  • One strawberry short of a quart.
  • One strike past being called out.
  • One sub short of a party platter.
  • One taco/enchilada short of a combination plate.
  • One teabag short of a pot.
  • One tower short of a castle.
  • One tree short of a hammock.
  • One vine short of the tree. (For Tarzan types.)
  • One weight short of a shipwreck.
  • Only one oar in the water.
  • Only playing with 51 cards.
  • Only playing with the jokers

Three Kinds Of News

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Kind To The Dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when a dog stopped and cocked its leg against him. The blind man felt in his pocket for a sweet, bent down, and offered it to the dog. A passerby remarked what a very kind act that was considering what the dog had done.

"Not at all," said the blind man. "I only wanted to find out which end to kick."

Where's My Heart

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

Really Stupid People

Really Stupid People

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Electric Gift

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

Hungry Beggar

A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Three Rooms In Hell

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K.

The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

Stupid Insults Part 30

  • Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
  • Traveling without a passport/towel.
  • Trips over cordless phones.
  • Truck can't haul a full load.
  • Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
  • Tuning in shortwave with a TV antenna.
  • Two bits shy of a word/dollar.
  • Two chapters short of a novel.
  • Two degrees off square.
  • Two inches taller than spherical.
  • Two saucers short of a tea-service.
  • Two sheep short of a sweater.
  • Two socks short of a pair.
  • Two suits short of a full deck. (A half-wit.)
  • Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.
  • Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.
  • Unclear which of Newton's three laws of motion keeps his ears apart.
  • Understands English as well as any parrot.
  • Used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  • Useful as a chocolate teapot.
  • Useful as a football bat.
  • Useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
  • Useful as a kickstand on a horse.
  • Useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
  • Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
  • Useful as dinosaur repellent.
  • Useful as tits on a bullfrog / bull / boar-hog.
  • Uses all three functional neurons for his best work.
  • Uses his head best for rolling Easter eggs.
  • Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.