Ouch — most viewed jokes

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

You'd make a lovely corpse!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?

You love nature in spite of what it did to you?

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

I wish I'd known you when you were alive.

If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!

What's on your mind? If you'll forgive the overstatement.

When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Every time I'm next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.

• $HOME = /dev/null.
• 3K RAM free, no EMS.
• A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
• A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
• A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
• A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
• A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
• A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
• A couple of slates short of a full roof.
• A couplet short of a sonnet.
• A cup and saucer short of a place setting.
• A day late and a dollar short.
• A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
• A doughnut short of being a cop.
• A few beads short in her rosary.
• A few beans short of chili.
• A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
• A few birds shy of a flock.
• A few blocks short of a filesystem.
• A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
• A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load / pile.
• A few chips short of a cookie.
• A few clowns short of a circus.
• A few clues shy of a solution.
• A few cold solder joints.
• A few ears short of a bushel.
• A few feathers short of a whole duck.
• A few few cylinders short of a full re-format.
• A few fish short of a string.
• A few french fries / one hamburger short of a Happy Meal.

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O J Simpson
26. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
35. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
36. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
37. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
38. EASY UNIX
39. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
40. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
41. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
42. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
43. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
44. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
45. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
46. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
47. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
48. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book:......

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton

• If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true.
• If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.
• If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
• If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
• If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
• If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
• If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
• If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.
• If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
• If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
• If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.
• If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
• If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
• If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
• If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
• If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
• If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
• If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
• If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
• If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• Ignorant, and proud of it.
• Immune from any serious head injury.
• Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
• In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
• In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms.
• In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".

• I hear you are a real humanitarian. You have kept three or four detectives working regularly.
• I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
• Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
• You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
• You should have been born in the Dark Ages you look terrible in the light.
• All of your ancestors must number in the millions it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
• Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
• I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
• They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
• After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
• You are so two-faced that any woman who married you would be married to a bigamist.
• I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!

• Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.
• Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland.
• Mooring lines don't reach the dock.
• More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head.
• Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
• Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.
• Must have ignored a knock-down pitch.
• Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass.
• Needs another brain to make half-wit.
• Needs both hands to wipe his behind.
• Needs front end alignment.
• Needs his disk checked/reformatted.
• Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back.
• Network constantly loses packets.
• Neurons are firing non-sequentially.
• Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum.
• Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson
• Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there.
• Nine pence in the shilling.
• Nine rooms no furniture.
• Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
• No charge in her synapses.
• No coins in the old fountain.
• No filter in the coffeemaker.
• No grain in the silo.
• No hands on the rudder/yoke.
• No hay in the loft.
• No one at the throttle.
• No wind in her mind's windmills.
• Not all his dogs are barking.

• Posts empty articles to Usenet, and enjoys rereading them later.
• Prefers three left turns to one right turn.
• Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
• Produces a zero-length core dump.
• Proof God has a sense of humor.
• Proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to human stupidity.
• Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
• Put a lens in each ear and you've got a telescope.
• Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
• Putting his brain on the edge of a razor blade would be like putting a pea on a six lane highway.
• Qualifies for the mental express line -- five thoughts or less. -- MacNelly
• Quotes entire letters/articles as responses and hides her one line of wisdom in the middle.
• Racing fifty yards with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.
• Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
• Reads her newspaper back-to-front.
• Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
• Ready to check in at the HaHa Hilton.
• Ready to join the Anti-Mensa Society.
• Receiver is off the hook.
• Relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
• Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
• Reposts this list when someone asks for it, but it's an old copy.
• Reset line is glitching.
• Result of a first cousin marriage.
• Result of God's experiments to see if humans can function without a brain.
• Room for rent, unfurnished.
• RS232C brain with a DIN connector.
• Running at 300 baud.
• Running on a 286.
• Running open. (Old mechanical teletype term.)

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Hunchback Barbie ...pull the string and she cries, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!"

A wife complains, "A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."

Her husband mumbled, "Clock always was slow."

- Look at that bald man over there.

- It's the first time I've seen a parting with ears.