Ouch — most viewed jokes

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started singing, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

What did the cannibal have for lunch?
→ Baked beings (beans).

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Manic-Depressive Barbie ...with a set of Oriental throwing knives

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Joan of Arc Barbie ...comes with stake, kindling, and matches

Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other, 'I don't like your friend.'

The other one replied, 'Well put her to one side and just eat the greens.'

What would Princess Di be doing if she were still alive?
→ Scratching like hell to get out of her coffin!

• Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation.
• Still boots to DOS.
• Still sending messages with his secret decoder ring.
• Still traumatized from the forest fire in "Bambi".
• Stocksy-babes. (A truly vile British-slang insult.)
• Strong, like bull. Smart, like tractor. Beautiful, like KV-2. (A WWII era Russian tank.)
• Stuck on the down escalator of life.
• Stumped by anything child-proof.
• Subtle as a well-thrown brick.
• Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.
• Supports nativist theories that man is formed from clay.
• Surfing in Nebraska.
• Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
• Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
• Takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
• Takes his imagination out for a walk and ends up being dragged around the block by it.
• Talks to plants on their own level.
• Team player... No chance he'll develop a personality on his own.
• Teflon brain -- nothing sticks. -- Lilly Tomlin
• The best part of him ran down his mother's legs. -- Jackie Gleason
• The butter slipped off his noodle.
• The cheese slid off his cracker.
• The definitive answer is: Her glass is half empty.
• The fan is working but the freon's leaked out.
• The going got weird, and he turned pro.
• The heater's plugged in but the rheostat's shot.
• The perfect personality to write software manuals.
• The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.
• The spit valve's fallen off his trumpet again.
• The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your ass hole before prison....."

Why didn't Helen Keller ever change her baby?
→ She could find it!

The cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in.

- "Your Majesty," he said, "the slaves are revolting!"

- "You don't have to tell me," said the king. "I'm trying to eat them. Where did we get these slaves anyway?"

- "From the country next door," replied the servant.

- "We must get a new butcher," said the king. "Bring me Delia Smith."

- "We can't, Your Majesty, she's still cooking for you."

- "Well, bring her to me once she's crispy enough," said the king.