Ouch — most viewed jokes

A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. Ouch!

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

• The two put together have an IQ over 150.
• The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.
• There she sits, Finite State Automaton at its best.
• There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet. -- Woody Allen
• They must have done a clean boot on him.
• Thick as a brick / whale omelette.
• Thick as pig dung and twice as smelly.
• Thinks "Private Enterprise" means owning a personal starship.
• Thinks a permutation is a medical procedure.
• Thinks at 5 baud.
• Thinks cellular phones are carbon-based life forms.
• Thinks E=MC^2 is a rap star.
• Thinks everyone else is entitled to his opinion, like it or not.
• thinks in lower case and types accordingly
• Thinks like a boar hog looks at a wristwatch.
• Thinks male zebras are the ones with the black stripes.
• Three chickens short of a henhouse.
• Three miracles shy of being where he thinks he's at.
• Three-bag/coyote ugly. (Ask your mommy to explain.)
• Throws his rod and reel off the bridge when casting.
• Too dumb to be bothered when publically displaying her ignorance.
• Too many birds on her antenna.
• Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.
• Too many stop bits in his transmissions.
• Too much yardage between the goal posts.
• Too pointless to even be called a pinhead.
• Took the little bus to school.
• Top paddock is full of rocks.
• Toys in the attic.
• Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.

What did the cannibal's parents say when she brought her boyfriend home?
→ 'Lovely, dear, he looks good enough to eat!'

Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies?
→ He used to keep it in his back pocket.

What is easier to fill a dump truck up with.. dead babies or bowling balls?
→ Dead babies.. because you can use a pitchfork.

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.

When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

Two cannibals were having lunch.

- 'Your girlfriend makes a great soup,' said one to the other.

- 'Yes!' agreed the first. 'But, I'm going to miss her terribly.'

What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes?
→ Slow clowns.

How do you kill a dumb blonde?
→ Put a scratch n' sniff sticker at the bottom of her pool.