Medicine — most viewed jokes

- Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?

- You have a broken finger!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

How many Borderline P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't change it for him/her.

- Doctor: That deafness cure help your brother?

- Archie: Sure did! He hadn't heard a sound in years, and the very day after he took that medicine, he heard from America!

A man, seeking to lose some of his excess weight, visited the local doctor.

- John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?

- Doctor: Of course! Cut your head off.

- Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.

- Please sit on the couch.

- Which one!

What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease?

1. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2. You are always meeting new people.
3. You never have to watch reruns on television.

Why do men snore?
→ When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.

What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman?
→ You can negotiate with the terrorist.

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."