Medicine — most viewed jokes

- Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50 per cent aspirin.

- Igor: But what's it for?

- Dr Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.

Did you hear about the sick ghost?
→ He had oooooo-ping cough.

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
→ Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

- Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.

- Sit there and don't stir.

Psychiatrist to his nurse:
"Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

How do you cook vegatables in the microwave?
→ Take them out their wheelchair.

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder

- Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

What is the difference between a bus driver and a cold?
→ One knows the stops, the other stops the nose.

A man frantically calls 911 and says, "help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart".

- 911: Is this her first child?

- Man: Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband!

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won't miss him
15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.