Medicine — most viewed jokes

The young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up. "Have you ever been x-rayed?", asked the doctor.
"Nope," she replied, "But ah've been ultra-violated."

- Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge

- What's come over you?

- Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she's a spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Really...wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn't resist asking the doctor, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"

"Oh no," Edgar replied, "I've never done either."

Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?"

Edgar said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the doctor asked.

"No, I don't," Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with women?"

"No," Edgar said, "I don't do any of those things."

The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, "Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?"

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a spider

- What a web of lies!

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
→ So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
→ A hematologist pricks your finger.

What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
→ He charges you double.

- Well, what's your problem?

- I prefer brown shoes to black shoes.

- There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer brown shoes to black shoes. I do myself.

- Really? How do your like yours - fried or boiled?

Young Charlie to dentist's sexy chariside assistant "Aha! Are you the lady orthodontist?".
The lady replied "No, but I'll straighten anyone's teeth"