Medicine — most viewed jokes

A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed rings.

- This is your doctor - says the voice on the phone.

- We have the results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease known as G.A.S.H.

- G.A.S.H? - replies the patient.

- What the hell is that?

- It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes - explains the doctor.

- My gosh, Doc! - screams the man in a panic.

- what are we going to do?

- Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread - says the doctor matter-of-factly.

- Will that cure me?

- Well no - says the doctor.

- but it's the only food that will fit under the door.

What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?
→ Coffin medicine.

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked:

- What the hell was that all about?

Still staring down, the drunk replied:

- I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

- I'm about to close - the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says:

- I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!

The doctor hands him the thread and says:

- Go ahead...

Suture self!

Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
→ Because they are all perfect assholes!

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.

- Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

- But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

- Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?

- You have a broken finger!

Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other:

- My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today.

- How does he know this for sure though? - asked the other woman.

- Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an asshole himself.

What did the leper say to the hooker?
→ Keep the tip.

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases.

One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers.

The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked:

- Where did those flowers come from?

The other proctologist answered very cooly:

- How should I know. There wasn't any card!!