Medicine — most viewed jokes

IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER

- Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great, But... there are problems that can't wait! Now Benton's fine, and Carter too, But Ross and Susan just won't do! Now who do you think that we should hire, Since both of them today I'll fire?

- Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see...

- Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree...

- Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt... But the paramedics just pulled up.

- Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got?

- Shep: This little boy has just been shot! His pulse is faint, his breath is weak. We did all we could to stop the leak.

- Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip...

- Carol: How did she fall? How did she trip?

- Shep: The kid's mom was getting in my hair, So I shoved her--lightly--down some stairs.

- Mark: Benton, Kerry! Take the mom to three! Doug and Susan! Come with me!

- Riley: But wait, but wait! Oh don't you see? We've got some more; one, two, and three.

- Kerry: You've got three more? How can this be? Explain it, tell it all to me!

- Riley: Well, Shep was driving. Really fast. A light turned red. Shep hit the gas. We hit a car, it hit two more. Soon the total rose by four. Another bang! Another crash! But we couldn't stay, we had to dash! We grabbed these three but I am sure, The injured totaled sixty score!

- Carter: These people really are a mess! Their injuries I cannot guess! It makes me sick, my knees are weak, A toilet I must soon go seek...

- Benton: It's ok Carter! Stay on your toes! It doesn't get worse than this you know! To Trauma four let's take these three. You can do it, come with me!

- Green: Ok, let's get this boy on the table. To save his life if we are able!

- Haleh: Dr. Green! This boy is cyanotic! I can't find a pulse... oh, wait I've got it! But it is weak! Oh, woe is us!

- Doug: Give him saline! IV push! CBC, chem 7, stat! We will save him, bet on that! Oh no, he's showing poor perfusion! Lydia, start a blood transfusion!

- Lydia: But Dr. Ross, I hate to say. The blood bank didn't come today! We're out of blood, I can't believe!

- Doug: Here, use mine! (rolls up his sleeve)

- Kerry: We need some help! There's been a crash! Someone's heart stopped with a flash! But Dr. Benton saved the day, And Carter's going to be ok.

- Susan: What can I do, where can I go? I'm not incompetent you know! I deserve a chance and with good reason, I only killed one guy last season!

- Mark: It's fine! It's done, the kid's ok. We're sending him up on his way. To surgery he's off to go, They must sew up that bullet hole. But Dr. Ross, he's out of sorts... We had to take a dozen quarts.

- Benton: Ok, we're done. I did it all. I used a double breasted suture saw. I closed them up, I fixed their ills. I patched their wounds, I gave them pills. I have their livers in this sack. I did it all, behind my back. I need more patients, give me more! I just cured three, now give me four!

- Carter: What happened? Did I miss it all? I saw some blood. I took a fall. But it doesn't matter, we saved the day!

- Carol: Get ready! There's more on the way!

10. Watch the bag fill.
11. Hyperventilate.
12. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
13. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
14. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.
15. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.
16. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
17. Faint.
18. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
19. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

One day a boy was drowning in a near by lake. A firefighter swam out and pulled the boy up onto the beach and began CPR. A crowed watched as the firefighter frantically pumped on the boys chest. With great amazement water was pooring from the boys mouth. Each time the firefighter pumped more water came out.
A short time later seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then more water started coming out of the boys mouth. The firefighter feared this would never stop. Just then, a paramedic arrived and quickly ran over to the firefighter and blurted out. "Hey Chief! You better get that kids ass out of the water before you pump that lake dry".

- Kids: Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?

- Mother: I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy,

- Kids: Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

What are hurricanes with a central dense overcast over the eye called?
→ Hurricanes with cataracts

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun."

So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest.

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.

"Exactly," replies the Doc.

Why do witches have stiff joints?
→ They get broomatism!

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."