Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

When Mr Maxwell's wife left him, he couldn't sleep.
Why was that?
→ She had taken the bed.

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

- Bartender: Hey pal, is something wrong?

- The Guy: Yeah, I'm really depressed

- Bartender: Why, what's the matter?

- The Guy: I caught my wife in bed with my best friend

- Bartender: Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?

- The Guy: I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over

- Bartender: That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?

- The Guy: I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

Jack and Jill were getting married. Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says:

- I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on.

- I can't wear these, she said.

- Darn right, he said. I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that.

- I think I'll try that on Jill - Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

- Put these on, he said.

- I can't wear these, Jill replied.

- Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that, he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

- I can't get in to these, he said.

- Darn right, Jill said. And if you don't change your attitude you never will!

A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake" says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher." To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him:

- So, tell me, how was it?

- Oh, it was beautiful - says the man.

- The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -

His friend interrupts him:

- A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?

- Oh - says the man.

- we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy hollow in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said:

- You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today.

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer:

- When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

- No - the young farmer replied seriously - Night is when I put the water in the hole.

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
→ "Darling, could you tell me about your work."

How did a blind man meet his wife?
→ On a blind date!

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in asking:

- What trip?