Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Definition of a Wife:
(B)eautiful
(I)ntelligent
(T)alented
(C)harming
(H)omemaker

What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said:

- My wife was reading a 'Tale of Two Cities' and she gave birth to twins.

- That's funny - the second man remarked - my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets.

The third man shouted:

- Good God, I have to rush home!

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed:

- When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.

- Honey - she signs,

- Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife:

- Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

- And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times

A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. But every ten or fifteen minutes, he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look at it, then put it back in his pocket.

Finally, a friend came up to him and said:

- George, I've been watching you all night, and I have to ask...what's in your shirt pocket?

- It's a picture of my wife.

- Why do you keep looking at it?

- Because, - George replied, - When she finally starts looking good, it's time to go home.

- Honey - said this husband to his wife.

- I invited a friend home for supper.

- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!

- I know all that.

- Then why did you invite a friend for supper?

- Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married.

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says:

- Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says:

- I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed.

- What happened then?

- She said:

- get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked:

- Does this fellow have any money?

The daughter shook her head sadly.

- Oh Daddy! You men are all alike. - sighing deeply, she replied.

- That's exactly what he asked me about you.

Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!

- I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules...any comments?

His new bride matter of factly says:

- No, that's fine with me.

- Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!

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Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything.