Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out.
She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail:

- Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?

The farmer writes back:

- Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried.

But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife:

- Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes.

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.

- Father, - the young couple asked ... is it ok to have sex before Mass?

The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ...:

- yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio.

- There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared - the weather report said.

- You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.

Ole said:

- Jeez, okay,

and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee.

The weather forecast was:

- There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.

Again Ole replied:

- Jeez, okay,

and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said:

- There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the...

and the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.

He turned to Lena:

- Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?

Lena replied:

- Aw, Ole, just leave the car in the damned garage today.

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

- Fancy meeting my wife here - he says to the clerk.

- Guess I'll need a double room for the night.

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.

- What's the meaning of this? - he yells at the clerk.

- I've only been here one night!

- Yes - says the clerk - but your wife has been here for three weeks.

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka.

- Six shots? What's wrong? - asks the bartender.

- I found out my older brother is gay.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- What now?

- I found out my younger brother is gay.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?

- Yeah, my wife does.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!
→ I don't like to interrupt her.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters saying:

- You can have mine.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied:

- The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.

As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said:

- That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.

- Well, we were married for 25 years!

What is the best form of Birth ControlAnswer: Marriage