Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:

- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

- Now watch - he said.

Next he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:

- Dick, at EASE!

And his dick deflated again.

- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife.

- Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said:

- Now watch this.

Then he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was:

- Dick, at EASE!

But nothing happened. So the guy again said:

- Dick, at EASE!

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says:

- For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!

Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

- What in the world are you doing? - she asked.

The guy says:

- I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!

A man is talking to his best friend about married life.

- You know - he says, - I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt.

His friend says:

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.

- While I'm away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt.

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.

- So did anything happen?

- I have some bad news for you - says the friend.

- The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.

- Then what happened? - says the man.

- I don't know. It was too dark to see.

- Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt.

Two guys are talking about fishing. One says to the other:

- I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!

- That bad, huh

- She did everything wrong! She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and WORST of all she caught more fish than me!

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically:

- Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS.

- G.O.O.D - answered his wife.

Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"?

Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear:

- Your sister has a tighter pussy than you

and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said:

- Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?

- Not even once! - exclaimed Ole.

- Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?

- Well, er, yes --- but only three times - she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

- Hmmm, three times? - questioned Ole.

- That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?

- Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council? - asked Lena.

- That was the first time.

- And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector? - she asked.

- That was the second time.

- OK, Lena, when was the third time? - queried Ole.

- The third time was... - Lena paused.

- Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:

- He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab:

- Sorry I took so long - he says:

- Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
→ Marriage.

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

- Please describe - said his attorney:

- the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity.

- Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week - the man testified.

- So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife.

- One Sunday morning - he continued:

- we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

- How was work, dear? - his wife asks.

- Listen! I don't want to talk about work! - he shouts.

- Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? - she asks nicely.

- Listen! - he shouts again.

- I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself:

- Well, I guess it's that time of the month.