Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

- If you know the food here is so lousy, why do you keep coming back?

- It reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife:

- Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up.

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns.

His wife asks:

- Did you have a good trip, dear?

He says:

- Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.

His wife smiles and says:

- Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!

A blonde and her husband are laying in bed watching TV, an old western is on. The husband says to his wife:

- I bet you breakfast in bed that the covered wagon hits a rock and the driver falls out dead,

- You're on - returned his wife.

They watch the western and sure enough the wagon hits a rock in the dirt road and the driver falls out of the wagon ... dead. The wife gets out of bed and returns shortly with a tray of food. After eating the husband says:

- I have to admit that I saw this movie before.

She in turn confesses:

- I saw the movie before too. But I didn't think he was stupid enough to ride over the same rock twice....

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother:

- Mom, why are wedding dresses white?

The mother looks at her son and replies:

- Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion:

- Dad, why are wedding dresses white?

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

- Son, all household appliances come in white.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,

"Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, and she gets mad,

and he says, "Now what are you mad about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay.

- No, I'm not. I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

- Well, what did you say to your wife?

- Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore.

- Well, what did you say to your best friend?

- BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said:

- I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped.

His buddy said:

- I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked:

- Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?

- She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'.

What do you call a woman who marries an old, ugly and poor man?
→ Stupid!

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked:

- What are those for?

The elderly gentleman replied:

- There are just two things I can't stand... the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
→ Divorced.