Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

- How about some perfume? - he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

- That's a bit much - said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

- That's still quite a bit - Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

- What I mean - said Tim - is I'd like to see something really cheap.

The clerk handed him a mirror.

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

- Just where the heck do you think you're going!

- I'm going to Las Vegas. I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

- Wait a minute! - the man said, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

- Where the heck are you going?

- I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said:

- You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today.

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer:

- When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

- No - the young farmer replied seriously - Night is when I put the water in the hole.

- Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?

- Well, I suppose so.

- Would you and he sleep in the same bed?

- I guess we would.

- Would you make love to him?

- He would be my husband then, dear.

- Would you give him my golf clubs?

- No...

He's left handed.

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said:

- You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.

This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said:

- I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.

- Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said:

- That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish.

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said:

- I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy.

The genie paused for a while and said:

- How many lanes do you want on that bridge?

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!)

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties

• You make the bed ... 1
• You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows ... 0
• You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets ... -1
• You leave the toilet seat up ... -5
• You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty ... 0
• When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex ... -1
• When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom ... -2
• You check out a suspicious noise at night ... 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing ... 0
• You check out a suspicious noise and it's something ... 5
• You pummel it with a six iron ... 10

Social Engagements

• You stay by her side the entire party ... 0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy ... -2
• Named Tiffany ... -4
• Tiffany is a dancer ... -6
• Tiffany has implants ... -8

Her Birthday

• You take her out to dinner ... 0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ... 1
• Okay, it is a sports bar ... -2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night ... -3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team ... -10

Thoughtfulness

• You forget her birthday completely ... -20
• You forget your anniversary ... -30
• You forget to pick her up at the bus station ... -45
• Which is in Newark, New Jersey ... -50
• And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast ... -60

A Night Out

• You take her to a movie ... 2
• You take her to a movie she likes ... 4
• You take her to a movie you hate ... 6
• You take her to a movie you like ... -2
• It's called DeathCop3 ... -3
• Which features cyborgs having sex ... -9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans ... -15

Flowers

• You buy her flowers only when it's expected ... 0
• You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ... 20
• You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ... 30
• And she contracts Lyme disease ... -25

Your Physique

• You develop a noticeable potbelly ... -15
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it ... 1
• You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ... -30
• You say "I don't care because you have one too" ... -800

Finances

• You spend a lot of money on something impractical ... -5
• Something she can't use ... -10
• Such as a motorized model airplane ... -20
• And she got a small appliance for her birthday ... -40

Driving

• You lost the directions on a trip ... -4
• You lost the directions and end up getting lost ... -10
• You don't stop to ask directions ... 0
• You stop and ask for directions ... 25
• You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ... -15
• You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal ... -25
• You know them ... -60

The Big Question

• She asks, "Do I look fat?" ... -5
  (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
• You hesitate in responding ... -10
• You reply, "Where?" ... -35

Communication

• When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ... 0
• When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes ... 5
• You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ... 10
• She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep ... -20

After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

- Louise, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think? - he moaned.

- Even worse - she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.

- You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face.

- He's an asshole - piss on him!

- You did - Louise informed him.

- And he fired you.

- Well, screw him! - said John.

- I did. You're back at work on Monday!

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

What's a man's worst nightmare?

1. The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera.
2. His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to.
3. A female boss.
4. He has to ask his wife for money.

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past:

- C'mon, tell me - she asked for the thousandth time - how many women have you slept with?

- Baby - he protested - if I told you, you'd throw a fit.

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

- Okay - he said - One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13..