Random joke from this category
At a family gathering, husband began teasing his wife about how she always get her way. She said to her husband:
- Honey, when I get my way, that's a compromise.
- What is it when I get my way? - he was quick to ask. She replied:
- That's a miracle!
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.
- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.
- I am. - said the man.
The farmer said:
- I have a black horse and a brown horse, which one would you like?
The man thought for a minute and said:
- The black one.
- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.
- Here's your chicken. - said the farmer.
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff, the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself:
- Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.
The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself:
- Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.
The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself:
- Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
- Sir, what happened? - asked Jeff.
- You married a nurse.
- Son, don't ever marry a nurse - the man sourly replied.
- All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
- What happened? - Jeff asked with surprise.
- Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.
- Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator - the man groaned.
- All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'.
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
- My goodness sir, what happened to you? - Jeff asked, fearing the worst.
- Did you have a fight?
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied:
- No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher.
- All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'.
There was a communist named Rudolph. One day he looked out the window and said:
- It looks like a storm is coming.
- No it isn't - said his wife.
- Besides, how would you know?
- Because - he responded:
- Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.
Three couples are dining together.
The American husband says to his wife:
- Pass me the honey, Honey.
The English husband says to his wife:
- Pass me the sugar, Sugar.
The [you name it] husband says to his wife:
- Pass me the steak, Dumb cow.
Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying:
- I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!
Tom answered:
- Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!
Otis then joins in and says:
- Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!
After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!
What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
→ Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said:
- Cool!... It really works!
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended) He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.
Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
