Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

1. A man will pay 2 dollars for a 1 dollar item he wants. A woman will pay 1 dollar for a 2 dollar item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

A wife asks her husband:

- Honey, if I died, would you remarry?

- After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.

- If I died and you remarried - the wife asks - would she live in this house?

- We spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would live in this house.

- If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house - the wife asks - would she sleep in our bed?

- Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would.

- If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?

- Oh, no - the husband replies - She's left-handed.

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells:

- What the fuck are you doing?

- Just giving you an aspirin for your headache - The bloke answered.

- But I ain't got a headache - she yelled back.

- Good then, Lets fuck! - said the bloke.

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

- Louise - he moaned - tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?

- Even worse - she said, her voice oozing scorn.

- You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.

- He's an asshole - John said.

- Piss on him.

- You did - came the reply.

- And he fired you.

- Well, screw him! - said John.

- I did. You're back at work on Monday.

A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said:

- I was being the ring bear.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

- Man: What's the problem officer?

- Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

- Man: No sir, I was going 65.

- Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

- Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

- Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

- Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

- Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

- Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

- Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man turns to his wife and yells:

- Shut your damn mouth!

Officer turns to the woman and asks:

- Ma'am, does your husband talk to you like this all the time?

- Wife: No, only when he's drunk!

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he says:

- Well, there's not that much room left in heaven, so you have to tell me an interesting way that you died, and if it's interesting enough, I'll let you in.

So St. Peter goes into his office and calls in the first man.

He says:

- I was coming home from work one day early, and when I walked in the door, I had a strange suspicion that my wife was cheating on me. I walk into our room and sure enough, find her sprawled out naked alone on our bed. Sure that the guy was in the house, I searched frantically to find him... Under the bed, in the closet... Finally I found him hanging from our ledge on our balcony. Furious, I stepped on his hand and he went plummetting two stories down. However, he landed in a bush and I wasn't sure if he was dead yet. So I pushed the refrigerator out onto him. Later, I felt so guilty I committed suicide.

- Wow - said St. Peter, that's a pretty fantastic story.

So St. Peter calls in the second guy.

He said:

- One day, I was having an argument with my wife. She gets so mad that she pushes me right out the window of our fourth-story apartment. So, quickly I grabbed onto the ledge of a balcony on the second floor. Then, suddenly, some nutcase steps on my hand and I go plummeting to the ground. Luckily I landed on a bush, but then the nutcase drops a fridge on me!

Then St. Peter called in the third guy. He says:

- Alright, picture this: You're naked, and in a refrigerator...

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife:

- Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!

She ignores the remark.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds:

- If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said:

- Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit,' cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled.