Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do rain drops marry?
→ They coalesce

Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him:

- Miles, they had your name in the obits today.

- What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I'll sue 'em.

- Tell me, Miles - his wife asked tremulously.

- wh...wh...where are you calling from?

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

- Man: What was that for?

- Wife: Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?

- Man: Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on.

The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.

- Man: What's that for this time?

- Wife: Your horse called.

- Doctor - the embarrassed man said.

- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. The medic said:

- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.

- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.

The doctor took the husband aside. - You're in perfect health - he said.

- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

- Honey - she signs:

- Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife:

- Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times

Shortly after the birth of their second child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say.

- It's perfect! - he exclaimed.

- It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips.

Just then, a voice from the dressing room piped up:

- If there's a dress here that will do all that- I'll take ten!

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.
→ It's called wedding cake.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating:

- Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?

The first man approached him and said:

- Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied:

- My wife's first husband.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says:

- It's dark in here, isn't it?

- Yes it is - the man replies.

- You wanna buy a baseball? - the little boy asks.

- No thanks - the man replies.

- I think you do want to buy a baseball - the little extortionist continues.

- Okay. How much? - the man replies, after considering the position he is in.

- Twenty-five dollars - the little boy replies.

- Twenty-five dollars! - the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again, when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

- It's dark in here, isn't it? - the boy starts off.

- Yes it is - replies the man.

- Wanna buy a baseball glove? - the little boy asks.

- Okay. How much this time! - the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

- Fifty dollars - the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy's father says:

- Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.

- I can't. I sold them - replies the little boy.

- How much did you get for them? - asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

- Seventy-five dollars - the little boy says.

- Seventy-five dollars! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness. - the father explains, as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says:

- It's dark in here, isn't it?

The priest says:

- Don't you start that crap in here now!

After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime!"