Random joke from this category
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says:
- So what's bothering you, dear?
She says:
- Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.
The priest says:
- Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?
She says:
- That he did, Father...
The priest says:
- What did he ask, Mary?
She says:
- He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned:
- Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak:
- Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.
- It is wonderful - the husband exclaimed.
- We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?
- Yes, you male chauvinist pig - his wife replied.
- Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!
A man calls his wife and says to her:
- Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?
- Sure, honey - his wife answers.
- Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?
- Sure, honey - his wife answers again.
The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door:
- So honey, how was your fishing trip?
- It was great... - the husband answers.
- But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas.
- No I didn't - said his wife.
- They were in your tackle box.
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried:
- What are we going to do?
- Nothing - said the hunter husband.
- The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house!
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000." He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman. Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."
A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from the bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife." "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says:
- Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'.
Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies:
- In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
