Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say:

- Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane.

And every year Edna would say:

- I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said:

- Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.

Edna replied:

- Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

The pilot overheard them and said:

- Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars.

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred:

- By golly, I did everything could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

Fred replied:

- Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.

Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.

When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed to his wife:

- Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says:

- Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go.

- Good idea - she says.

- While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine.

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk:

- I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please.

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife:

- Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said:

- Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!

She said:

- Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

- You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?

- I sure did - said the wife. I wrote him a check.

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says:

- Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down.

She exclaims:

- I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies:

- Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.

Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says:

- Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas.

His wife say:

- That's wonderful. What should I pack for... Europe, the Carribean?

He says:

- I don't care, just be gone when I get home.

A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife when he found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it.

There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.

- I'm going to have to run a few more tests - the doctor said:

- I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample.

After she hung up the husband asked:

- What did the doctor say?

- Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear.