Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says:

- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!

- Well, what should I do? - asks the man.

- Hold the club gently - the pro replied:

- just like you'd hold your wife's breast.

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says:

- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.

- What can I do? - asks the wife.

- Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.

- That was great - the pro says.

- Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to! - says the pro.

My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.

- How is she now?

- She's fine. But, the dog died.

There was this General-in-training, and his superioirs were asking him questions:

- What happened on June 6, 1944?

- We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as D-Day, sir!

- What was the turining point of wordl war 2?

- Battle of the bulge, sir!

- What's is the importance of May 12

The Man thought and thought:

- I don't know, sir!

The superior then said:

- Well, I'll tell your wife that you forgot her birhtday

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?
→ "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft"

Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town.

- How're thangs with y'all, Pete? - one asked.

- Not bad atall - Pete replied.

- My old woman ain't talkin' to me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her.

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out:

- WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:

- Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily:

- Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.

- Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.

To which he replied:

- Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.

- Fine - she says:

- Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.

- I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps - he says.

- Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

- Honey, how'd this all get fixed?

She said:

- Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.

He said:

- So, what kind of cake did you bake him?

She replied:

- Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?

Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
→ Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.

My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps writing in her diary!