Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They were down to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one could get the position. As a final test each recruit was led down a hallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the first man:

- We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife

A look of shock comes over the man's face. He says:

- I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. I guess I'm not the man for this job

- No, you're not - agree the agents - You're free to go.

They bring the second man to the door and say:

- We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife

The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent and after five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming down his face.

- I tried - he says - but I just couldn't do it. I can't kill my wife

The agents let him leave.

They bring the woman to the door and say:

- We need to know that you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into this room and kill your husband

She takes the gun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13 rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for the next five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. The door finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looks at both agents, wipes her brow and says:

- Whew! You guys didn't tell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him to death with the chair!

- Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me? - she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes.

- I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says:

- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin.

The doc said:

- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.

She says:

- You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.

He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says:

- Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer

Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:

- Husband: Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?

- Ex-: Over my dead body!

- Husband: You haven't changed a bit

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

- All this was just too wonderful for words - he said.

- but what's the dollar for?

- Well - she said.

- last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent.
Wedding cake!

A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.

- Oh, no, it's my husband!

The man says:

- Where's your back door?

- We don't have a back door - says the woman.

The man then asks:

- Well, where do you want a back door?

Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: "I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."

This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper."