Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
→ He said:

- Where am I, Cathy?

And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.

Two men are talking. The first sez:

- I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes.

- Amazing - said the second

- I just got divorced for the very same reasons.

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"

The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

- All this was just too wonderful for words - he said:

- but what's the dollar for?

- Well - she said:

- last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

- I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea!

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

- We'd like a room, please - the bloke said, nodding toward his misses.

- We were married this morning.

- Congratulations - the desk clerk said.

- how about the bridal?

- No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it.

- Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?

- Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.

Two mates are having a chat over a beer.

- Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath? - one bloke asks his friend.

- No way! - his mate replies.

- Well - says the first bloke.

- do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?

- Fuck no! - his mate replies.

- Well - says the first bloke.

- what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?

Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:

- I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month.

To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied:

- That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too.