Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up?
→ He wanted children and she didn't want to get a sex change.

What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
→ Divorced

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.

- Get over it, buddy, - he said:

- It's not the end of the world. - It's all right for you to say, - answered his buddy:

- But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife? The fella ponders for a moment, then says:

- I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife:

- Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?...

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed:

- Yes. Yes he did...

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks:

- Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?...

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says:

- You.

The room was full of pregnant ladies and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced:

- Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

- Yes - replied the teacher.

- Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

What's the penalty for bigamy?
→ Two mothers-in-law

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

- You aren't so good in bed either! - he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

- What took you so long to answer?

- I was in bed.

- What were you doing in bed this late?

- Getting a second opinion.

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?
→ Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.