Random joke from this category
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, ...it's up to you!"
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating:
- Why did you die? Why did you die?
The first man approached him and said:
- Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?
The mourner answered:
- My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife:
- Get me a beer before it starts!
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says:
- Get me another beer before it starts!
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says:
- Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!
The wife is furious. She yells at him:
- Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...
The man sighs and says:
- It's started...
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?" "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor. "In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."
- I bet you don't know what day this is - said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:
- Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?
With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation. His wife was indeed surprised:
- First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! - she exclaimed.
- I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!
- I've had it with my wife - said the one drinking buddy to the other.
- I'm filing for an divorce.
- Sorry to hear that pal - said his partner.
- May I ask why?
- I found her supply of birth control pills - said the first.
- Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin.
- It ain't just that - stormed Frank.
- I had a vasectomy over five years ago.
How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
→ When her favorite sexual position is "next door"
- Moe: My wife converted me to religion.
- Joe: Really?
- Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
One day a wife complained:
- This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.
The husband grunted and replied:
- The darn clock always was slow.
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks:
- Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says:
- Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads.
