Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

How did Bill and Hillary Clinton first meet?
→ They were both dating the same girl in high school.

After their love-making session the young bride asks her husband:

- Was making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?

- Yes, she's dead too!

- Was making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?

- Yes, she's dead too!

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
→ After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man.

- What are you doing - he shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover:

- See, I told you he was stupid

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.

- Heavens - she cried. It's my husband! Quick, jump out the window.

The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred.

- I can't - he said. We're on the thirteenth floor.

- For heaven's sake - cried the young lady in exasperation. Is this a time to be superstitious?

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said:

- I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?

Leroy replied:

- I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me:

- You're next. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying:

- I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....

Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked:

- How many times did you cheat on your wife?

The first man replied:

- Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.

The Lord replied:

- Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked:

- How many times did you cheat on your wife?

The second man replied:

- Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.

The Lord replied:

- I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked:

- So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?

The third man replied:

- Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.

The Lord replied:

- I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out.

- Why are you crying? - the two men asked.

- You got the mansion and limo!

The first man replied:

- I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"

- Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully - the divorce court judge said - and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.

- That's very fair, your honor - the husband said.

- And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.