Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey," she says, "now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?"

He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. "This, my love, is a penis." he told her.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!"

My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife hired a private detective to follow her husband and see if he were in fact "cheating" on her. I asked my wife if she would ever do that.

She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to see if I could find out what she saw in ya."

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, "Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?"

She looked up and said, "Why does everybody ask me that?!"

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"

The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT...

But my wife out in the car still does!"

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

How do you turn a Fox into a Pit Bull?
→ Marry her!

"I'm fed up with your jealousy," the furious wife told her husband.

"Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?"

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?!" the man asks.

"I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says... "Those little bastards!"

- Why are you so upset?

- My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.

- So what?

- So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'.