Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."
"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."
"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."
He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"
"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"

Mrs. Caroline Squires of Cincinnati filed for a divorce from her husband in 1949 on grounds of desertion. She testified he'd stepped out "for a beer" on the Fourth of July, 1917, and had never come back.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Brian told his best friend Mike.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life, and have an affair?" his friend suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, we are almost on the begining of the 21st centrury, Brian. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So Brian went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that many times - it never worked."

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too!"

After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company.

Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, "We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money."

The agent replies, "Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Alimony:

1. A contraction of the term "all-his-money".
2. A splitting headache.
3. It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
4. Paying for something you don't get.
5. That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.
6. The high cost of leaving.
7. The last laugh.
8. The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.
9. Buying oats for a runaway horse.
10. A woman's cash surrender value.
11. The billing minus the cooing.

Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.

Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.

Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.

What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.

He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

"Oh honey," said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"

"No," said the old man, "it means you can take your pick."

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.