Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home.

Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him, "Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn't stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time."

"Yeah, I remember those trying times." replied the attorney.

"I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?"

"Yes, I do."

"But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime."

"That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?"

"Because...

I could have been a free woman by now!"

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

- Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire".

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?" "Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me." "Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg." "Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

- Hey, you just shot my wife.

- I'm so sorry, have a shot at mine!

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says: "Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!"

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said, "Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married." He did.

"Now kiss me the way you used to..."

"Now darling, bite me the way you used to."

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, "Where are you going dear?"

"To get my teeth, dear," the husband replied.

Marriage is nature's way of preventing people from fighting with strangers.

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

What's the major cause of divorce?
→ Once is not enough.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."

"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."

"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

Both of my marriages have been disappointing. My first wife left me and my second one didn't.