Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient:

- How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?

He got the following reply:

- Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

- My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

- So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

- But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied:

- Move over!

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:

- I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying:

- I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?

Bill thought for a while and said:

- I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.

Hillary was shocked, but said:

- I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together.

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill:

- So why do you have all that money in the box?

Bill answered:

- Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans...

- I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!

- Boy: Since we met, I can't eat or drink...

- Girl: Why not ??

- Boy: I'm broke.

- Boy: May I hold your hand??

- Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy.

- Girl: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??

- Boy: What time was it??

- Girl: Say you love me! Say you love me!

- Boy: You love me...

- Girl: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

- Boy: Sure, what's your phone number??

- Girl: Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

- Boy: Don't you ever want to improve??

- Boy: I love you and I could die for you!

- Girl: How soon??

- Sharon: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

- Tracy: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

- Man: You remind me of the sea.

- Woman: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

- Man: NO, because you make me sick.

- Wife: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

- Husband: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

- Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?

- Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

- Jimmy: Mom, can I have two piece of cake?

- Mom: Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

- Sam: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.

- Lily: So what do you do?

- Sam: I close my eyes.

- Teacher: Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

- Pupil: No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

- Mom: Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

- Son: Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner.

- What are you charged with? - he asked.

- Doing my Christmas shopping early - replied the defendant.

- That's no offense - replied the judge.

- How early were you doing this shopping?

- Before the store opened - countered the prisoner.

Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him:

- Miles, they had your name in the obits today.

- What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I'll sue 'em.

- Tell me, Miles - his wife asked tremulously - wh...wh...where are you calling from?

A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in the school play.

- What part? - the mother asked.

- I play a Jewish husband - the boy replied.

- Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!

Two cannibals were having lunch.

- Your wife makes a great soup.

- Yes! But I'm going to miss her terribly.

A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her:

- We can just live on love.

Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater. The hippy asked:

- What are you doing?

She replied:

- Heating your breakfast.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:

- I had an affair with a woman - almost.

The priest says:

- What do you mean, 'almost'?

The man says:

- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest replies:

- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:

- I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied:

- Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!

Donna arrived home from work early one day and found her husband, Glen, in bed with another woman.

- That's it! - she shouted:

- I'm leaving and I'm not coming back!

- Wait honey - Glen pleaded:

- Can't you at least let me explain?

- Fine, let's hear your story - Donna replied.

- Well, I was driving home when I saw this poor young lady sitting at the side of the road, barefoot, torn clothes, covered in mud and sobbing - explained Glen.

I immediately took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up. She got into the car and I brought her home. After she took a shower, I gave her a pair of the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the dress that I bought you last year that you never wore, the pair of shoes you bought but never used and even gave her some of the turkey you had in the refrigerator but didn't serve to me.

- Then - Glen continued:

- I showed her to the door and she thanked me. As she was walking down the step, she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces:

- My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said:

- My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?

The guy says:

- Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!