Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:

His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.

His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.

A picture of his wife on the milk carton.

For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him:

- W'atcha do with the money, son?

- Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy! - answered the boy.

- Yew dumb ignoramous! - yelled his father.

- Yew should 'av bought yoreself a rifle!

- A rifle? What fer?

- Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife - explained the older redneck.

- W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.

- Are you hurt? - he asked.

- Of course I'm hurt! - she replied.

- Three times around and you didn't wave once!

A doctor rushed out of his study room.

- Get me my bag! - he shouted.

- Why, what's the matter? - inquired his pretty young wife.

- Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me - he gasped as he reached for his hat.

The young wife sighed.

- Just a moment - she said gently.

- I think that call was for me.

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion:

- If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. - How long will this take? - she asks.

- They'll grow larger over a period of years, - he replies. The wife stops. - Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. - Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

- Well, how was the honeymoon? - asked the mother.

- Oh mamma! - she exclaimed.

- The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.

- But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!

- Now Sarah . . . - her mother answered.

- Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?

- Please don't make me tell you, mamma - wept the daughter.

- I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!

- Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!

Still sobbing, the bride replied:

- Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!

- The car won't start - said a wife to her husband.

- I think there's water in the carburettor.

- How do you know? - said the husband scornfully.

- You don't even know what the carburettor is.

- I'm telling you - repeated the wife.

- I'm sure there's water in the carburettor.

- We'll see - mocked the husband.

- Let me check it out. Where's the car?

- In the swimming pool.

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

- I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married - said one clergyman self-righteously.

- Did you?

- I don't know - said the other.

- What was her maiden name?

How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
→ I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

A little kid comes running into the backyard.

He says:

- Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!

- Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile.