Random joke from this category
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says:
- Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.
- Because, - the man says - I live in a two-story house.
The Judge replies:
- What kind of a reason is that! What's the big deal about a two-story house?
The man answers:
- Well Judge, one story is...I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
- Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? - he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
- I was a good father - he answers.
- Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said:
- Come on, Penny, let's get out of here.
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained:
- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.
- Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! - she screamed.
- Funny - he muttered.
- you even sound exactly like her.
- You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in common - said the new tenant's neighbor.
- Why on earth did you get married?
- I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract' - was the reply.
- He wasn't pregnant and I was.
Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.
- I say she's highly over-rated - said one:
- Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?
- My wife - said the other with a heavy sigh!
For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
- Yes, she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know! - he replied.
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other:
- Just a minute, I'll be right back.
He goes into the confessional and says:
- Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.
The Father says:
- You need to say 40 Hail Marys, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.
The confessor replies:
- Yes Father, they were.
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said:
- Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.
The priest responded:
- Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?
The man replied:
- No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!
The priest says:
- Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?
Exasperated the man said:
- No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!
The priest said:
- Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!
The man said:
- OK, fine. and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said:
- So, how did it go?
The confessor said:
- Great! 6 months off, and two leads!
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
- What's the matter, dear? - she whispers as she steps into the room.
- Why are you down here at this time of night?
The husband looks up.
- Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17? - he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
- Yes, I do - she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
- Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?
- Yes, I remember - says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues...
- Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years'.
- I remember that too - she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
- I would have gotten out today!
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
- You're running around with other women - she told her mate.
- Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable - Adam responded.
- You know you're the only woman on earth.
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.
- Counting your ribs - said Eve!
