Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...

Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams

Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.

When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.

Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce

When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.

Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled:

- Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...

- I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!

Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says:

- My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house....

"What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.

I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.

Why do men always want their brides to wear white?
→ Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

My wife is so immature, every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks my little boats!

Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating:

- At last they're together. At last they're together.

A mourner whispers:

- Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!

The first mourner responds:

- I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together!

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.

- I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man - she tells her new hubby.

The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?. The wife answers ...well maybe! Husband asks who it was.

The wife answers - it was Tiger Woods.

Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, he's not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon "thing". When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.

- What are you doing? - asked his bride.

"I'm calling for room service. After all that work I'm hungry!"

The wife says:

- Tiger wouldn't do that.

- Really! Just what would TIGER do? - says the husband.

Well we would do it again!

Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed. This same thing happens two more times, after which the guy is pretty tired.

So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.

The wife says..you're not calling room service are you!!!!

- NO - says the exhausted hubby!

- Well who are you calling then - she asks.

I'm calling Tiger Woods...

I want to see what par is for this hole!

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.

During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.

The defendant replied:

- Your Honor, that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn't have to be present and "not to worry."

- I can't see why you'd punch a man for that - interrupted the judge.

- Wait, there's more...

When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why. Then he said:

- Because everything's coming up Rose's.

- THAT'S when I hit him!

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.

- Well, Your Honor - she replied coolly - I figured that at 92, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly!

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:

- Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted:

- Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

- Where are you? - the man asked.

- Who are you?

- I am your guardian angel - the voice answered.

- Oh yeah? - the man asked...

- And where were you when I got married?

A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed:

- Come and bury my wife.

- But I buried your wife ten years ago - replied the undertaker.

- I got married again - the man sobbed.

- Oh - said the undertaker.

- Congratulations.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- ONE CENT - that's awesome! - exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:

- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?

- Certainly, sir - replies the bartender.

- but all that comes to real money.

- How much money? - inquires the guy.

- 4 cents - replies the bartender.

- FOUR cents! - exclaims the guy...

- Where's the Guy who owns this place?

The bartender replies:

- Upstairs with my wife.

The guy says:

- What's he doing with your wife?

The bartender replies...

- Same as I'm doing to his business!

- Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me?

- Mother: Probably, dear. I still have all of mine.