Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.

Her comments were as follows:

- My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

- My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

- My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up.

- My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those who can...do; Those who can't...teach.'

- My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver..

- My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

- My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.

- My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

The wife said sweetly to her new husband:

- Now I am married to you, a man of Marketing.

The husband looked at his wife and simply said:

- I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman:

- Give me six double vodka.

The barman says:

- Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.

- Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back:

- I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said:

- Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?

- Yeah, my wife!

During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out:

- Hey, how'd you do that?

- I could tell you, madam - the magician answered - But then I'd have to kill you.

After a short pause, she yelled back:

- Ok, then... Just tell my husband!

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:

- Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?

And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:

- Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:

- I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?

- Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

- That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.

- I'm number four.....

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person:

- How much are the washer and dryer?

- Five dollars for both of them - the salesman said.

- Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me! - the man replied sarcastically.

- No, that's the price - the salesman said.

- Do you want to buy them or not?

- Yeah, I'll take them! - the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.

- How much? - he asked.

- Five dollars for the system - the salesman answered.

- Is it stolen? - the guy asks.

- No - said the salesman.

- It's brand new, do you want it or not?

- Sure - the customer replied.

He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor.

- How much?

- Five dollars - was the familiar response.

- I'll take that too! - the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him:

- Why are your prices so cheap?

The salesman said:

- Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

- What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.

The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.

The husband asked her about what.

She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.

The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!

Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that:

- I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.

The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.

Sell? The didn't sell yours... where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

- Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am.

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

- Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!

- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

- Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.

- Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically - remarked his friend.

- I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me.

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained:

- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

- Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! - she screamed.

- Funny - he muttered.

- you even sound exactly like her.