Random joke from this category
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: "hiss and hearse" (woo-hoo!...that was terrible! :)
A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings. It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her:
- you have the nicest breasts.
She says:
- thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you.
He replies:
- I would pay you $10 just to see one of them.
She thinks for a minute and decides to do it. He says:
- Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....
- I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time.
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says:
- your best friend just stopped by.
He answers:
- Great did he leave the $20 he owed me
What's the major cause of divorce?
→ Once is not enough.
One day a man decided to get a tattoo on his penis, his wife asked where have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.
He left her a note saying:
- Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton.
He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:
- Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
- Care to go upstairs and do it? - the husband asked.
- Shh! - said the bride
- All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?
So, the following night, the husband asks:
- I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?
- No, I definitely shut it - replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said:
- I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?
- No, thanks - said the husband.
- It was only a small load so I did it by hand.
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband:
- Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?
- Why no - said the husband, flattered.
- Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?! - she yelled.
The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening. Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband:
- That's happiness! That's happiness!
But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.
When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him:
- That's a penis?! That's a penis?!
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"
I'm really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!
Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!
But I'm really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout:
- My husbands home! My husband's home!
What a gal I married!
And for everyone that's still single, some notes on marriage......
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering....
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?...
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss....
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence....
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license....
Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!
