Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children?
→ They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband:

- I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?

- You'll know tonight - he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:

- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered:

- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed:

- Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?

Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied:

- Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!

A man and a couple of his friends had just finished a round of golf at the country club and they were changing their shoes when a cell phone on the bench rang. The man picked it up and answered it.

- Hi honey, - said the woman on the other end.

- Hi honey, - replied the man.

- I was just calling to tell you about this fur coat I found today. It's beautiful fox fur and I just love the way it looks on me. It's on sale too, a real bargain. It's down to $2000 from $4000. Can I get it?

The man thought about it for a sec and said:

- You're sure it's a good deal?

- Oh yes, - replied the woman.

- Okay then, I guess you can get it, - replied the man.

The woman continued:

- Oh, and you know how we've been thinking about getting rid of the Lexus and getting a new Jaguar? Well, I went to the dealership today and the guy gave me a real deal. He said he'd lower the price from $50,000 to $35,000 just for me. Can I get it?

The man thought a little harder and said:

- If you're sure it's a good deal, then yes, go ahead and get the Jaguar.

The woman continued again.

- Oh, one last thing, honey. Remember that house we saw last month that we really liked, but decided we'd wait and think about? Well, it's on the market again, so I checked the price. It's down to $450,000 and I checked with the bank and we have enough in the checking account so that I can just write a check. Should I get it?

The man got a frown on his face and said:

- See if you can get them down to $420,000. If they'll go down to that, go ahead and get it.

The woman was extremely excited.

- Okay honey, thank you so much! I'll see you when I get home! Bye!

- Bye, - said the man. He hung up the phone and looked at the other men in the locker room and said:

- Does anyone know whose phone this is?

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said:

- I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.

Just then Jessica said:

- I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said:

- Sir your license has expired.

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said:

- I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice:

- Jessica, will you shut up!

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked:

- Does your husband always talk to you like that?

Jessica replied:

- only when he's drunk.

- Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend? - asked Jane's best friend.

- Why shouldn't I? - said Jane.

- Well, maybe he is having an affair?

- No way - said Jane.

- he never returns with any fish...

A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully:

- You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying...

She squeezed his hands as he continued:

- When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply....

He continued:

- Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me.

- Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me...

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband:

- And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...

- There's something I'd really like to say to you...

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said:

- You're a friggin jinx!

Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached...

Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

What do you call a woman without an asshole? Divorced.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative...she irritates the shit out of you.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. - Robin Williams

Love is grand. Divorce is at least 20 grand.

When I got divorced, my wife and I split the house. I got the outside and she got the inside.

Of all the new weight loss programs and exercise videos available, divorce is still the most effective. Where else can you get rid of 205 pounds in a quick 90 days.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. - Ambrose Pierce

When does a woman stop masturbating? After the divorce is finalized.

Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled:

- Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...

- I mean, she was a slob! Every time I went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!

Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says:

- My ex-wives were great housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house....

"What do tornadoes and marriage have in common? At first, there's a lot of blowing and sucking. Then when it's over, your whole house is gone.

I blame my divorce on my ex-husband's calculating mind. He put two and two together.

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and your ex-wife's lawyer? Compared with the lawyer's demands, Hussein's are reasonable.

There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.