Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage? The wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking:

- What trip?

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

- First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

- Second Guy: That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

- Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him:

- You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?

- Fourth Guy: I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied:

- About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

- I got my wife a VCP for her birthday

- Don't you mean a VCR?

- No, a VCP . . . Very Cheap Present!

He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone:

- Judith?

- Yes, this is Judith.

- Will you marry me?

- Of course. Who's speaking?

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.

The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

- Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? - says the bartender.

- Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!

- Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.

So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.

- If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?

- I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!

- Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?

- Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...

BAD DOG!

A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.

The brunette see's her husband, and he is carrying flowers.

The brunette says to the blonde:

- now I'm going to half to spread my legs! - and the blonde says:

- why? don't you have a vase?

As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang.

The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed:

- Damn it! How should I know? Call the weather bureau! - and hung up.

- What was that all about? - wife asked.

- Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

- Was it my friend Sam - he demanded.

- No! - his weeping wife replied.

- Was it my friend Jim then? - he asked.

- NO!!! - she said even more upset.

- Well which one of my no good friends did this then? - he asked.

- Don't you think I have any friends of my own? - she snapped.