Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.. You wear briefs, don't you?

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money.

He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said.. Well, you succeeded.

He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said.. I would, but you're never there.

He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight?
She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.

After wedding a young couple rented a town house in a large complex.
Concerned about a leak in an upstairs bathroom, young woman called the manager several times, but nothing happened.

Finally her husband reached the manager and, noting the seriousness of the problem, said:

- My wife is afraid the bathtub will fall through the kitchen.

- Oh, no, - the manager quickly replied.

- The bathtub falls through the living room.

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.

- Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got - said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said:

- What's that?

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said:

- My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said:

- so this is the hussy he's been foolin' around with!

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.

One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

- But why? - asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said:

- Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant.

The wife said:

- Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay.

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said:

- I am definitely leaving this time.

- Don't tell me you're pregnant again? - asked the lady of the house.

- No - she said.

- there are just too many kids here to pick up after!

My wife came home yesterday and said:

- Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said:

- You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.

- No, there's definitely water in the carburetor - she insisted.

- OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?

- In the lake!

A guy calls up his ex-wife and, disguising his voice, asks to speak to himself.

- Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced!

Next day, the guy does the same thing with the same results.

He does this everyday for a week, and finally his ex-wife realizes who it is that keeps calling:

- Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?

- Oh, I know! I just can't hear it enough!

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:

- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered:

- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes.
Finally, he states:

- That's one.

The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states:

- That's two!

He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says:

- That's three,

removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband:

- That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!

The man stares at his wife and firmly says:

- That's one!

A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says:

- Six shots? What's wrong?

- I found out my older brother is gay - replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- What now? - asked the bartender.

- I found out my younger brother is gay - replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.

- Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women? - asked the bartender.

The man replied:

- Yeah, my wife does.