Marriage Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?

- Wife: No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard.

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.

- I assume - she barked - there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?

- There is! - he replied - Breakfast.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere, respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests in life as me. Now I don't think that's too much to ask of a billionaire, do you?

I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

John, you know I can't marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who...makes half-a-million dollars a year...

Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.

Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.

Life sucks...and then you marry someone who doesn't!

Look the bride in the eye and ask:

- If I'm the best man, how come you're marrying HIM???

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.

Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.

Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

Make love, not war, or do both: get married.

Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marital Logic: 1) Marriage is an institution. 2) Marriage is love. 3) Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you live!

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your nose always.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

- You'll get your chance in court - said the Desk Sergeant.

- No, no, no! - said the man.

- I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights. The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said:

- During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb. (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said:

- After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said:

- After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................:

- Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye.

A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked:

- What'd you do that fer?

- That's fer fifty years of bad sex - she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked:

- What was that fer?

- That - said her husband as he began to rock again, is fer knowin' the difference!

John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.

The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said:

- You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that--I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt.

- Well I might try something like that - said John.

A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on another unrelated matter, and he and Dr. Smith pass each other in the hallway.

- John! - says the doc.

- Haven't seen you in a while! How's those headaches?

- Great! They're all gone! Thanks for your advice! - said John.

- Hey, that's fantastic! - said Dr. Smith, walking on down the hallway.

- Say, Doc! - yelled John, down the hall,

- Nice place you got there!

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

- But, officer - the man began:

- I can explain

- Just be quiet - snapped the officer.

- I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

- But, officer, I just wanted to say

- And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said:

- Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.

- Don't count on it - answered the fellow in the cell.

- I'm the groom.

I married Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

A male chauvinist tells his buddy over drinks:

- I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.

His buddy asks:

- Oh? Why do you wonder about that?

To which he replies:

- Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!