Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
→ You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"

"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from!"

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.

"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?"

"Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied.

"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.

"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

- Judge: Tell me your occupation.

- Prisoner: I'm a locksmith, Your Honour.

- Judge: Then what were you doing in a jewellery shop in the middle of the night when the police saw you?

- Prisoner: Making a bolt for the door!

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
→ When he's sworn in.

When is an English teacher like a judge?
→ When she hands out long sentences.

When did the criminal get smart?
→ When the judge threw the book at him.

- Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till?

- Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.