Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky?

- Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the the sweetest interns I've ever had.

Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
→ Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

As the judge said to the dentist: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?

The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

"What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?" asked the judge. "Well, Your Honor," replied the arresting officer, "I saw him lift up a manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, 'I want to listen to it on my record-player!'"

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass!

- Judge: Why did you steal that bird?

- Prisoner: For a lark, sir.

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.

After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
→ Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

What do you call ten Utah State law students standing ear to ear?
→ A wind tunnel.