Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

- Judge: And where was the location of the accident?

- Witness: Approximately milepost 499.

- Judge: And where is milepost 499?

- Witness: About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?
→ Odor, Odor in the court!!!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
→ A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked...

"Out of what?"

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?" lawyer asked.

"Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go," minister replied.

- Policeman: Why were you speeding?

- Driver: I didn't want to be late for my trial.

- Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

- Doctor: All my autopsies are on dead people.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
→ The bucket.

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?
→ Nobody will look for them.