Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge, wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.

"Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time!"

Who is the most powerful ghoul?
→ Judge Dread.

- Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?

- Witness: Yes.

- Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?

- Your Honor, it was an accident! I had to run into the fence to keep from hitting the cow!

- Was it a Jersey cow?

- I don't know, I didn't see her license plate!

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!"

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six?
→ Because deep down they really are good people.

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.
The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."
The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."
The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."