Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I dont recognize this court!"
"Why?" asked the Judge.
"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."

The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, "Just a minute, I'll be right back".

At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.

When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, "Follow me to your new quarters." Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.

Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room."

Saint Peter said, "Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer."

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ... Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
→ A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
→ His lips are moving.

What's the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
→ There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
→ Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
→ Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
→ Take your foot off his head?
→ No.

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None 'o yo' freakin' bitness!

How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Both of them.

How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous."

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ How many can you afford?

How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "Twelve. Ya got a problem with dat?"

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"

To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."

"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.

"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"

Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"

"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

Why do Lawyers smell?
→ So the blind can hate them, too!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies!

What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
→ Lipstick

In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front of him, the person turned and asked, what the hell you are doing?

"Well," said the guy massaging the back, "you see I'm a chiropractor and I can't help massaging your back, in fact I can't help practicing my art".

"Are you crazy?" the other guy said, "I'm a lawyer, am I fucking the guy in front of me!"