Truisms
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
- Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
- A fool and his money are soon partying.
- Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
- Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
- If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
- Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade!
- Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Everybody repeat after me....
"We are all individuals." - Death to all fanatics!
- Guests who kill talk show hosts....
On the last Geraldo. - Chastity is curable, if detected early.
- Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
- Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines.
- Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back.
- Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
And finally....
- If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you