Lawyer Jokes — most viewed jokes

Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of the divorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said: "I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mighty kind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."

The bartender asks him "What'll you have?".
The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!".

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't...

Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge!
Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good!
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.

"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?"

"Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied.

"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.

"Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?"

The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!"

The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?"

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts."

The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.

As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!" As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing. ''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman?

The lawyer, stunned, began to scream, "My rolex, my brand new rolex!"

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you plead?"
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant replied.