Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

Tad looked up from the book on ancient history he was reading and asked his father:

- Pop, what's a millennium?

- Well - he muttered.

- I think it's something like a centennial, only it has more legs!

Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.

She told him:

- Johnny dearest, good boys save it till they're 18.

Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:

- We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said:

- I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!

- Grandpa: You youngsters are soft and lazy today. When I was your age I got up at six o'clock every morning and walked five or six miles before breakfast. I used to think nothing of it.

- Fred: I don't blame you, Grandpa. I wouldn't think, much of it myself.

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

- It's a period - reported Johnnie.

- Well I can see that - she said.

- But what is so exciting about a period.

- Damned if I know - said Johnnie.

- But this morning my sister said she missed one....

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!

What has webbed feet and fangs?
→ Count Quackula.

How do vampires keep their breath smelling nice?
→ They use extractor fangs.

That boy is so dirty, the only time he washes his ears is when he eats watermelon.

Why did Dr Frankenstein have his telephone cut off?
→ Because he wanted to win the Nobel prize!