Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

What type of people do vampires like?
→ Type O positive people.

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:

- All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!

All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up.

- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny.

- Write it down, Johnny! - said the teacher.

- ... But Miss! Miss! Miss! - Johnny intoned.

- I said write it down! - exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.

- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny once more.

- Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?

- Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?

- No! - said the startled teacher.

- Then I have definitely shit myself!

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

- What's it about? - he asked.

- I don't know - she replied. I can't read.

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her:

- Why are you staring at me?

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said:

- My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said:

- Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.

- I promise not to mention his ears at all - said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said:

- Oh What a Beautiful little baby

The mother said:

- Thank you very much, Little Johnny.

He then said:

- this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?

The Mother said:

- why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said:

- well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

What do you call a vampire junkie?
→ Count Drugula.

Why is it tough to compete against a vampire?
→ Because they're always out for blood!

What's a vampire's favorite hobby?
→ In-grave-ing.

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation.
So he puts up a sign that reads:

- WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads:

- NOW THERE ARE TWO!