Kids Jokes — most viewed jokes

What are baby witches called?
→ Halloweenies.

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.

One boy said:

- My father is better than your father.

The other kid said:

- Well, my mother is better than your mother.

The first boy paused and then replied:

- I guess you're right. My father says the same thing.

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly:

- Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long.

He passed the mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said:

- There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.

The mother patiently said:

- Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her:

- I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...

The mother broke in:

- My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike.

- Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.

- Easy, Dad - the boy replied - I earned it hiking.

- Come on - the father said - Tell me the truth.

- That is the truth - the boy replied - Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!

Seems the Shah of Iran was visiting Disneyland with his young son. The son seemed to be having a good time but had that look that something else was on his mind. The Shah asked, "What do you really want, Son?" The Son said, "A Mickey Mouse Outfit." With that, the Shaw went out and bought him a uniform from the neighboring Fire Department.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
→ To get to the other slide

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.

He said:

- God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female.

After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked:

- Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?

- Counselor: How many times did I tell you to make your bed?

- Jane: I can't answer. I didn't know I was supposed to keep count!

Why did your sister keep running around her bed?
→ Because she was trying to catch up with her sleep.

Why wouldn't the vampire eat his soup?
→ It clotted.